It is right to assume that any good parent would be observant of their children’s temperaments, tendencies and character development. After all, all things being equal, in an ideal situation, parents are expected to have raised such children with a level of intimacy from when they were vulnerable to when they become mature and stable. In essence, they are expected to have watched over them through the process of their character formation and development.
I have been a father myself for close to 20 years now, so I am adequately informed about what I am talking about.
In fact, aside the probability of biological configuration (DNA) influence on character formation and development, which are themselves inherited from their parents, the later character development of children, their manners and future dispositions and positions on issues, from personal decisions to collective societal value orientations and positions, are largely dependent on the nature and the character integrity of their parents. They observe, learn and internalise the character values and integrity of their parents unconsciously and consciously. In essence, children learn more from what we do than they do from what we say or the instructions that we attempt to hand down to them.
On quite a number of occasions, two of my children in the university would call me and their mother, separately and together, to specifically thank us for the discipline we did instill in them when they were home. They would say, ‘Daddy, thank you and Mummy for the way you have raised us.’ They would call their Mum and say the same thing: ‘Mummy, thank you and Daddy for the way you have raised us.’ This they have said to us separately and jointly on many occasions. They would tell us things about their studies, hostels, friends, departments, fellowships and all.
As any result drops on their portal, they are sharing the score and all with us. I know parents who don’t know anything about their children’s results.
I have always maintained that when children become too secretive about their lives, about any development in their lives, it raises a question of the love-trust relationship that exists between them and their parents.
What I do is to create an accommodating and understandingly empathetic environment in my house. My children are aware that you can make mistake in my house. They know that you can fall.
However, they equally know that mistakes must be openly acknowledged and discussed. They know you must, it is a responsibility, rise and get going after any fall.
In my house, I don’t allow myself or my wife to create or maintain any no-holier-than-thou-saintly image before our children. When you create the pictures of never ever failing before, never ever falling before or never ever making mistakes before, your children would be afraid of talking to you freely about their failings, falling and mistakes. They would assume that you are too perfect to feel, understand, appreciate and empathise with their vulnerabilities as humans. You would become a ‘negative’ superhuman to them. You would be removed from their realities into a non-existent reality you have created for your own pseudo image and false security.
One of the best ways to raise children is to let them know they are as human as you are, albeit making them to appreciate the fact that your humanity is equipped with better years of experiences than they are.
There must be in an environment of openness and sincere love. Children can sense, feel and see sincerity in their parents and they can see when those things are lacking! You must not be an alarmist! If you are, children will run away from you.
You must learn how to be or play a god! God is not an alarmist. When He does not approve, He does not raise alarm. He addresses and guides. He accommodates without accepting, all with love and grace.
You must also learn to negotiate with children, especially about their actions, inactions, consequences and prices.
In my house, I don’t encourage gossip. I don’t accept backbiting. You are not to participate in plotting against anybody. Nobody must fall because of your plot to make him or her fall. If you cannot lift somebody, you must not be part of people pulling him or her down. As much as it lies in your power to do, within ethical limits, you must render help to the vulnerable. You must defend the vulnerable. You must not close your eyes to injustice against the others. Every act of injustice or oppression wherever you are must be confronted and resisted. At the risk of your own life, you must stick to the TRUTH as you know it.
At times, I feel so sorry for my children: that I am raising them against the prevailing principles of the present world – a world where lying is a skill, where dissimulation is an act, where gossiping is a virtue, where pull-him down is an order, where injustice and oppression is a show of power and relevance.
I feel so sorry that they would have to be different. But, I do not have any regret in raising them to stand for the best of what I know is good for our common humanity. I know: I am raising some potential rebels. I am raising some revolutionaries. I am raising some radicals and I would be happy if they remain so — against all hegemonic tendencies and manifestations.
My only fear is if they would ever turn back from the path tomorrow.
* ‘Bode Ojoniyi writes at https://ojoniyiolabode.blogspot.com/
